The Top Twelve (Part Deux)
Barely a few seconds later, Pam somehow had successfully managed her teammates across the bouncy mushrooms, over the windmill, and across the swinging ropes.
Trixie, Dungay, Wanchai and Pam had finished the obstacle course in first place!
The happy winners sat down on the lawn at the course's end and watched as the other two teams fought to finish a now pointless race, as both of them were sentenced to an eliminatory game of paintball after this stage of the competition.
Out on the obstacle course, players everywhere were falling in the drink and having to return to the starters' platform. Desmond the Disgusting even peed in the water the third time he fell in, just to live up to his title.
As Trixie watched the epic falls and fails of the remaining eight competitors, an idea crept into her mind. Well, actually, it was already in her mind, so perhaps it would be better to say an idea stood up from where it had been sitting on a metaphysical couch in her mind, and made it's presence known once more.
"Hey Wanchai - you're a Banana assassin, right?"
<< That is correct. >> The fruity killer telepathically replied. << I also enjoy crochet and making steamed pork buns. >>
"Right." Trixie said. "So, if you were to somehow, you know, return to the course, would you be able to, you know, kill, nobody in particular?"
<< There would be a 93% chance of my success in such an endeavour. >> Wanchai answered.
"Pam!" Trixie shouted, distracting Pam from her hair-curling, hot-boy-watching reverie.
"Yeah!" Pam answered enthusiastically, like all cheerleaders are trained to do. Yes, even in times of deep dark despair, a cheerleader knows of only one tone of voice when a verbal reply is required of them. Enthusiasm. It is said of Adolf Hitler that when he realised he was losing World War 2, he hired a squad of Swedish cheerleaders so they could break the bad news to him enthusiastically. It's in a book I read, honest it is.
"Could you sneak Wanchai back onto the obstacle course... somewhere near nobody in particular?"
"No problem!" Pam replied, and immediately picked up Wanchai in her right hand, and threw him, using a perfect quarterback's pass, overhead until he landed barely a metre away from where nobody in particular was struggling onto a bouncy mushroom.
"Wow, Pam, that was a great throw!" Dungay enthused (though nowhere near as well as a cheerleader might.)
"Haha, I know!" Pam replied. "Watching all those football games, I sure learnt a thing or two! What with my cheerleader brain being so empty and all, it's a pretty easy thing to fill!"
An awkward silence descended, as all eyes turned towards nobody in particular and waited for his fate to befall him.
However Trixie had not accounted for (fool that she was) the sheer stupid competitiveness of Krulnor the Barbarian. The Hillbilly, Desmond, Randy, The Goblin, Taylor and Reginald had already made their ways to the end of the course, and Krulnor desperately did not want to finish last. As he leapt onto the same mushroom as nobody in particular, he bounced his teammate into the water, and at the same time bounced himself forward onto the next mushroom. Landing feet first on the mushroom, he slipped on a banana that just happened to be lying there and fell into the water!
"Wanchai!" Trixie cried out in desperation, for she and Dungay had clearly seen their fruity colleague fall beneath the Barbarian's boot and heard the ominous squish as his innards became his outards.
<< I did say... only 93%... >> The dying banana managed to eke out a final message before joining that great big banana in the sky. Interestingly, it is said that when Adolf Hitler realised he was losing World War 2, he began praying to the god of bananas in the hope that somehow he would find favour and the Allied army's supply of bananas would all be conveniently made of arsenic. Same book as before, you were probably guessing.
A half hour later, Krulnor and nobody in particular made it to the end of the obstacle course and onto the lawn, and an Evans materialised from behind a tree.
"Well done, contestants! Sadly for some reason only eleven of you have made it this far, but we are still going to make the bottom two teams play paintball and eliminate another member anyway! Failed assassination attempts, and also successful ones, I might add suggestively, are not considered a broach of the rules in The Spin-Off Games!"
A loud BANG! and a blinding flash later, and Trixie, Dungay and Pam found themselves seated in a discreetly hidden spectator's box overseeing a sectioned off part of the forest. Down below them, they saw the two teams being handed paintball guns and masks.
"Dangit!" Trixie cursed in a G-rated fashion. "Our assassination attempt failed! And worse - the Evanses are totally wise to our plan!"
"I'm surprised we're still alive." Dungay mused. "The racist tigers must be running late. Car trouble, I'm guessing."
Pam was staring blankly out the window. "Hey look!" She pointed. "A big firework!"
Trixie laughed cynically and turned to look where Pam was pointing. "I highly doubt that there's a firework display on Pam, what you're looking at is... A MISSILE! Dungay! Pam! Jump!"
Seconds before the air-to-ground missile hit the spectator's box, Trixie, Dungay, and Pam dove out the windows and fell down onto the soft forest floor, right amongst the field of paintball play. Well, when I say soft, I mean, come on, pinecones, pine needles, and a small but meaningful 38th Annual Conference Of Arminian-Leaning Echidna Theologians can't feel like much now, can it?
Seconds after hitting the ground, our three heroes heard the sound of a starting pistol - indicating the beginning of paintball.
"Guys - RUN!" Trixie shouted.
"But where to?" Dungay replied. "This area is totally sectioned off!"
"I don't know - away from the people with paintball guns!" Trixie replied, as she saw in the distance Reginald, Taylor, and nobody in particular running towards their position. Being a medieval hero, Krulnor didn't actually know how to operate a gun of any sort, and he was a step or two behind, wielding a broken off branch in menacing fashion.
Chapter Five : : Chapter Seven
Trixie, Dungay, Wanchai and Pam had finished the obstacle course in first place!
The happy winners sat down on the lawn at the course's end and watched as the other two teams fought to finish a now pointless race, as both of them were sentenced to an eliminatory game of paintball after this stage of the competition.
Out on the obstacle course, players everywhere were falling in the drink and having to return to the starters' platform. Desmond the Disgusting even peed in the water the third time he fell in, just to live up to his title.
As Trixie watched the epic falls and fails of the remaining eight competitors, an idea crept into her mind. Well, actually, it was already in her mind, so perhaps it would be better to say an idea stood up from where it had been sitting on a metaphysical couch in her mind, and made it's presence known once more.
"Hey Wanchai - you're a Banana assassin, right?"
<< That is correct. >> The fruity killer telepathically replied. << I also enjoy crochet and making steamed pork buns. >>
"Right." Trixie said. "So, if you were to somehow, you know, return to the course, would you be able to, you know, kill, nobody in particular?"
<< There would be a 93% chance of my success in such an endeavour. >> Wanchai answered.
"Pam!" Trixie shouted, distracting Pam from her hair-curling, hot-boy-watching reverie.
"Yeah!" Pam answered enthusiastically, like all cheerleaders are trained to do. Yes, even in times of deep dark despair, a cheerleader knows of only one tone of voice when a verbal reply is required of them. Enthusiasm. It is said of Adolf Hitler that when he realised he was losing World War 2, he hired a squad of Swedish cheerleaders so they could break the bad news to him enthusiastically. It's in a book I read, honest it is.
"Could you sneak Wanchai back onto the obstacle course... somewhere near nobody in particular?"
"No problem!" Pam replied, and immediately picked up Wanchai in her right hand, and threw him, using a perfect quarterback's pass, overhead until he landed barely a metre away from where nobody in particular was struggling onto a bouncy mushroom.
"Wow, Pam, that was a great throw!" Dungay enthused (though nowhere near as well as a cheerleader might.)
"Haha, I know!" Pam replied. "Watching all those football games, I sure learnt a thing or two! What with my cheerleader brain being so empty and all, it's a pretty easy thing to fill!"
An awkward silence descended, as all eyes turned towards nobody in particular and waited for his fate to befall him.
However Trixie had not accounted for (fool that she was) the sheer stupid competitiveness of Krulnor the Barbarian. The Hillbilly, Desmond, Randy, The Goblin, Taylor and Reginald had already made their ways to the end of the course, and Krulnor desperately did not want to finish last. As he leapt onto the same mushroom as nobody in particular, he bounced his teammate into the water, and at the same time bounced himself forward onto the next mushroom. Landing feet first on the mushroom, he slipped on a banana that just happened to be lying there and fell into the water!
"Wanchai!" Trixie cried out in desperation, for she and Dungay had clearly seen their fruity colleague fall beneath the Barbarian's boot and heard the ominous squish as his innards became his outards.
<< I did say... only 93%... >> The dying banana managed to eke out a final message before joining that great big banana in the sky. Interestingly, it is said that when Adolf Hitler realised he was losing World War 2, he began praying to the god of bananas in the hope that somehow he would find favour and the Allied army's supply of bananas would all be conveniently made of arsenic. Same book as before, you were probably guessing.
A half hour later, Krulnor and nobody in particular made it to the end of the obstacle course and onto the lawn, and an Evans materialised from behind a tree.
"Well done, contestants! Sadly for some reason only eleven of you have made it this far, but we are still going to make the bottom two teams play paintball and eliminate another member anyway! Failed assassination attempts, and also successful ones, I might add suggestively, are not considered a broach of the rules in The Spin-Off Games!"
A loud BANG! and a blinding flash later, and Trixie, Dungay and Pam found themselves seated in a discreetly hidden spectator's box overseeing a sectioned off part of the forest. Down below them, they saw the two teams being handed paintball guns and masks.
"Dangit!" Trixie cursed in a G-rated fashion. "Our assassination attempt failed! And worse - the Evanses are totally wise to our plan!"
"I'm surprised we're still alive." Dungay mused. "The racist tigers must be running late. Car trouble, I'm guessing."
Pam was staring blankly out the window. "Hey look!" She pointed. "A big firework!"
Trixie laughed cynically and turned to look where Pam was pointing. "I highly doubt that there's a firework display on Pam, what you're looking at is... A MISSILE! Dungay! Pam! Jump!"
Seconds before the air-to-ground missile hit the spectator's box, Trixie, Dungay, and Pam dove out the windows and fell down onto the soft forest floor, right amongst the field of paintball play. Well, when I say soft, I mean, come on, pinecones, pine needles, and a small but meaningful 38th Annual Conference Of Arminian-Leaning Echidna Theologians can't feel like much now, can it?
Seconds after hitting the ground, our three heroes heard the sound of a starting pistol - indicating the beginning of paintball.
"Guys - RUN!" Trixie shouted.
"But where to?" Dungay replied. "This area is totally sectioned off!"
"I don't know - away from the people with paintball guns!" Trixie replied, as she saw in the distance Reginald, Taylor, and nobody in particular running towards their position. Being a medieval hero, Krulnor didn't actually know how to operate a gun of any sort, and he was a step or two behind, wielding a broken off branch in menacing fashion.
Chapter Five : : Chapter Seven
posted by Musings | 7:55 PM
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