Something Unexpected
All of a sudden Gigantor stopped struggling. As he hung attached to the giant Hog, Krulnor heard a strange ripping sound, and then felt Gigantor's skin begin to deflate around him. Now this was getting weird... but wait! The deflating skin was super easy to detach from, and a moment later he sprang backward like a backward spring, now freed from the spikes of the Hog's skin.
But Gigantor was no more. His exterior layer lay discarded and deflated on the ground, like a plastic bag, blowing through the wind, ready to start again. And several metres back from where the beast had once loomed,
an alien was standing with a ray gun pointed directly at Krulnor. He was a short, blue, humanoid/lizardoid type fellow (Krulnor knew straight away that this alien was in fact a fellow because he was without clothing and his little fellow was somewhat prominent) with 6 eyes, 3 toes on each foot (of which he had 2), 2 arms, a tail, and an iPhone 4S (ooh! nasty!).
"Huh?" Our hero took a moment to process this new flood of information, like a small Equadorian town processing a flood of lava. Several peasants died as he processed it, in other words.
"Let me fill you in on the blanks in your mind, of which I have no doubt there are many, my primitive foe." The blue chap spoke his language! (Krulnor had not yet surmised that seeing as he could speak it in Hog form he was also likely to be able to once he had left his fat suit.) "Everyone knows that regular Hedgehogs do not grow to this size! Unfortunately when we surveyed this planet for invasion our long-range telescope had been incorrectly calibrated and we thought that the spiky beings we saw on first examination were in fact 7 feet tall and the dominant race here. So, we copied their look to try and sneak in. And it's been working quite well for us until you turned up and killed all my friends!"
Ah. Finally something Krulnor understood. (What, for heaven's sake, was a telescope?)
"Haha, blue man! I killed your friends, and now I will kill you! The scoreboard foretells it!" (Krulnor 45 / Hedgehogs 17)
"Well, actually you probably won't kill me, seeing as with one twitch of my finger I could blast you into smithereens with this ray gun here. However, I am not so inclined to do that now you've blown my cover and annihilated my friends. Eventually the residents of Ricksmond, Nelksun and Dleifekaw will hunt me down and kill me, once they've figured out how to use doorhandles correctly. So in fact, I'm just going to fly my spaceship home and leave you to it. This planet is lame anyway."
And with that, the blue man quickly sprinted to the Town Center / Granary / Evil Silo. A few seconds later, an ominous rumbling came from its base. (Though that was just the alien emptying the ship's onboard toilet. The ship actually was completely silent as it flew.) Then, the building shot up into the air, and before Krulnor's eyes flew away, getting smaller and smaller as it went. How could it do that? Shrinking buildings? Wow.
"Haha! Victory is mine!" Krulnor cried, as he suddenly realised he had no more Hedgehogs to fight. (2 hours had passed since the ship left, which wasn't actually that bad for Krulnor's deductive reasoning skills.)
Turning around, he saw a convoy of Nelksunnian people heading his way, led by none other than the mayor riding his now subdued rhino.
"Prizes!" Krulnor cried excitedly, looking beyond the mayor for gold and goldfish.
"Weeeelll, not exactly." The mayor had reached our hero. "You see, Krulnor, you didn't actually do what we asked. Yes, you liberated Dleifekaw, but you didn't actually do it all yourself... and not all with the 3 items (one of which you have since thrown away, although it was priceless!)... and actually only 45 Hogs died. So, we can't give you what we promised."
"What! I! This is outrageous!"
"Well, it's the rules I'm afraid."
"Is there nothing you can give me?" Krulnor was hoping not to leave empty handed (though he had quickly hidden the sword and the shield in his loin cloth, so at least he got something decent, providing nobody noticed the huge bulge in his outfit, or at least if they did then they attributed it to something noble like a bruise or some thinly concealed emotion.)
"Well, I guess we can give you one of the prizes for effort?"
"Great! How about the gold? Or a wife, even?"
"No, I was thinking... the autobiography of Riche McCaw!"
"New Zealand's greatest rugby player? How fascinating! I love rugby! It is similar to other things I enjoy, like killing, competition, and grass."
"No, Riche McCaw - a distant cousin of the rugby player Richie, Riche in fact had a very interesting life as a half Scottish, half Brazilian boy growing up in rural Tasmania farming potatoes, until he died of polio at age 8. Riveting stuff, and he's not a bad writer for an 8 year old."
"Huh? Nooooooooooooo!"
Of course, being a gracious hero, Krulnor stuck around for the awards ceremony, happily received his book, gave a long and positive speech about the region, and stayed for the vegetarian feast afterwards.
What am I talking about! He fled as soon as he could, and got on the next ship for home. Now he could get that loin cloth cleaned! (There appeared to be a shield and a sword stuck in it!)
THE END.
Previous Chapter. *** Contents Page
But Gigantor was no more. His exterior layer lay discarded and deflated on the ground, like a plastic bag, blowing through the wind, ready to start again. And several metres back from where the beast had once loomed,
an alien was standing with a ray gun pointed directly at Krulnor. He was a short, blue, humanoid/lizardoid type fellow (Krulnor knew straight away that this alien was in fact a fellow because he was without clothing and his little fellow was somewhat prominent) with 6 eyes, 3 toes on each foot (of which he had 2), 2 arms, a tail, and an iPhone 4S (ooh! nasty!).
"Huh?" Our hero took a moment to process this new flood of information, like a small Equadorian town processing a flood of lava. Several peasants died as he processed it, in other words.
"Let me fill you in on the blanks in your mind, of which I have no doubt there are many, my primitive foe." The blue chap spoke his language! (Krulnor had not yet surmised that seeing as he could speak it in Hog form he was also likely to be able to once he had left his fat suit.) "Everyone knows that regular Hedgehogs do not grow to this size! Unfortunately when we surveyed this planet for invasion our long-range telescope had been incorrectly calibrated and we thought that the spiky beings we saw on first examination were in fact 7 feet tall and the dominant race here. So, we copied their look to try and sneak in. And it's been working quite well for us until you turned up and killed all my friends!"
Ah. Finally something Krulnor understood. (What, for heaven's sake, was a telescope?)
"Haha, blue man! I killed your friends, and now I will kill you! The scoreboard foretells it!" (Krulnor 45 / Hedgehogs 17)
"Well, actually you probably won't kill me, seeing as with one twitch of my finger I could blast you into smithereens with this ray gun here. However, I am not so inclined to do that now you've blown my cover and annihilated my friends. Eventually the residents of Ricksmond, Nelksun and Dleifekaw will hunt me down and kill me, once they've figured out how to use doorhandles correctly. So in fact, I'm just going to fly my spaceship home and leave you to it. This planet is lame anyway."
And with that, the blue man quickly sprinted to the Town Center / Granary / Evil Silo. A few seconds later, an ominous rumbling came from its base. (Though that was just the alien emptying the ship's onboard toilet. The ship actually was completely silent as it flew.) Then, the building shot up into the air, and before Krulnor's eyes flew away, getting smaller and smaller as it went. How could it do that? Shrinking buildings? Wow.
"Haha! Victory is mine!" Krulnor cried, as he suddenly realised he had no more Hedgehogs to fight. (2 hours had passed since the ship left, which wasn't actually that bad for Krulnor's deductive reasoning skills.)
Turning around, he saw a convoy of Nelksunnian people heading his way, led by none other than the mayor riding his now subdued rhino.
"Prizes!" Krulnor cried excitedly, looking beyond the mayor for gold and goldfish.
"Weeeelll, not exactly." The mayor had reached our hero. "You see, Krulnor, you didn't actually do what we asked. Yes, you liberated Dleifekaw, but you didn't actually do it all yourself... and not all with the 3 items (one of which you have since thrown away, although it was priceless!)... and actually only 45 Hogs died. So, we can't give you what we promised."
"What! I! This is outrageous!"
"Well, it's the rules I'm afraid."
"Is there nothing you can give me?" Krulnor was hoping not to leave empty handed (though he had quickly hidden the sword and the shield in his loin cloth, so at least he got something decent, providing nobody noticed the huge bulge in his outfit, or at least if they did then they attributed it to something noble like a bruise or some thinly concealed emotion.)
"Well, I guess we can give you one of the prizes for effort?"
"Great! How about the gold? Or a wife, even?"
"No, I was thinking... the autobiography of Riche McCaw!"
"New Zealand's greatest rugby player? How fascinating! I love rugby! It is similar to other things I enjoy, like killing, competition, and grass."
"No, Riche McCaw - a distant cousin of the rugby player Richie, Riche in fact had a very interesting life as a half Scottish, half Brazilian boy growing up in rural Tasmania farming potatoes, until he died of polio at age 8. Riveting stuff, and he's not a bad writer for an 8 year old."
"Huh? Nooooooooooooo!"
Of course, being a gracious hero, Krulnor stuck around for the awards ceremony, happily received his book, gave a long and positive speech about the region, and stayed for the vegetarian feast afterwards.
What am I talking about! He fled as soon as he could, and got on the next ship for home. Now he could get that loin cloth cleaned! (There appeared to be a shield and a sword stuck in it!)
THE END.
Previous Chapter. *** Contents Page
posted by Musings | 10:40 PM
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