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The World-Famous (to some people) online-novels of Lark and Musings, for you to sit back and enjoy in the quietness of your own home. Warning, all novels may contain traces of nuts, and insanity in large doses. (Reading hint: For more enjoyment and less wanting-to-die-from-how-stupid-it-all-is, L&M Blognovels are suggested read in smaller doses, rather than in one sitting).

Friday, October 04, 2013

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As everyone who is anyone in the small cutesy animal world knows, Guinea Pigs and Hedgehogs are sworn enemies, namely because since time began they have been locked in a battle over the hallowed Saucer of Milk By The Back Porch. And though in this instance Leonard's minions weren't literally Guinea Pigs but simply named after them, they still fought to defend their namesakes' honour valiantly. Oh, and also the Hogs started it, so who were they to stand there and not fight back?
Conveniently the two forces were evenly matched in both strength and number, and after several moments' good-natured stabbing, hacking and insulting, all involved in the fighting were in fact, dead.

Krulnor/Leonard 28 - Hedgehogs 17

Leonard and a still-spinning Krulnor stood alone amidst a second pile of corpses. (Leonard had a hands-off management style when it counted - namely when his minions were involved in any sort of dangerous combat.)

"Krulnor! You can stop spinning now!"
"Oh, ok."
---
"Well, my friend, it looks like it's just you and me. Nice weaponry though! And what's this I hear about you being able to fly and read now?"
"Well, actually that's an interesting story Leonard, one which I am only too happy to tell. I thought I could fly but it turns out it was only due to the influence of some uncomfortable pink armour with a pointless helmet, so I threw that away. And as for the reading, I've always been able to read, it's just I have never bothered to read recreationally, which as everyone knows is a legitimate use of the verb "read", as in "don't you read?" which implies not can you understand the written word but do you read for pleasure? Like, seriously. I can read, I just choose not to do so recreationally. I prefer killing stuff."
"Oh." Leonard was uncertain of the value of that speech other than clearing up a potential plot-hole, but as a former psychotherapist he knew of the healing value of monologue.

"So, what do we do now then?"
But before our two heroes had a chance to discuss an undoubtedly brilliant strategy, the remaining 17 Hog minions rounded the bend, closely followed by the biggest, ugliest, smelliest, Miley-Cyrus-fanniest Hog they had ever seen. He was bearing a large bow, and upon seeing our heroic twosome nocked an arrow in the string, drew back the bow, and fired. Directly at Leonard's face.
0.04 seconds later Leonard died, possibly due to a severe case of arrow-produced brain damage and blood loss, or maybe a gentle death involving no pain, he simply just went in his own time. You choose.

"Gigantor!" Krunlor shouted, although by that stage the Hogs were within inside-voice distance and thus Krunlor was displaying very bad manners. "You killed my father... I mean, Leonard!"
"Luke, I am your father..." Gigantor replied.
"Really?" Krulnor said. "How would that even work? Cos, I'm a human, and you're a Hedgehog..."
"No, not really, I've just always wanted to say that." The giant Hog answered. "Now let us fight to your death!"

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