Carry On

Heroically charging in a full suit of armour wasn't the most efficient or comfortable thing ever dreamed up, and within a few minutes of running Krulnor found himself sweating and gasping for air. Worst of all, the Hogs were gaining on him! Shedding items like a shed, Krulnor began taking off pieces of the armour and throwing them away as he ran. Soon he was back to his regular layer of clothing, now soaked in sweat, but the better for it as he could easily outrun the Hogs with their little feet and avocado-shaped bodies. (Minus the stone in the centre and the delightful texture they add to salads, obviously.)
Rounding a corner in the road, Krunlor's hopes of easy escape were dashed when before him stood a large, menacing, and VERY Annoying Hedgehog bearing a Large Gleaming Shield and an Intimidating Look (made in Sweden!).
"Hugh Mungus!" Krulnor cried for the benefit of the forgetful reader.
"Grargh!" Mungus boomed. "And now you will die as you face me in single combat. Your mum is ugly, those pants make you look like a mushroom, and I've got a big shield, na na na-na naaaa!"
"Oh No! How annoying!" Krulnor answered. "But how can I fight you in single combat with a whole hoard of hairy Hogs hooning towards me? Should I not just flee now before they arrive?"
"No silly," Mungus replied in an exasperated tone, "Don't you know the basic rule of any and all action-based narratives? When two significant characters face off in single combat, the minions circle ominously but remain absent from the main fight! Duuuh!"
Krulnor gulped and nodded as if he understood what Hugh had just said, not wanting to admit that like a significant percentage of the world's population, incidentally most of whom are female, he couldn't actually read and he didn't watch movies as they hadn't been invented yet, so he didn't actually know what an action-based narrative was. But come to think of it, that time he had faced The Tremendous Pimple of Teentown in single combat had been somewhat similar, with the Pimple's lesser minions (the Blackheads) all standing back as he fought the Pimple, eventually winning when he got it wedged between himself and a tree and squashed it until it exploded and custard rained everywhere. At least, it had looked like custard at the time... Mental image...

And thus the combat began. Soon the minions did arrive and circle ominously as Hugh had predicted, but before long they got bored and sat down, because the fight was actually, well, a bit dull. Krulnor had an offensive weapon (the sword), which he had finally figured out how to use, and Mungus had a defensive weapon (the shield) with which he successfully managed to block every one of Krulnor's blows.
Like in a certain edition of the Curse of Monkey Island, it looked as though this fight was going to be won and lost on its insults.
"Your mother was a pin cushion!"
"You're an idiot who only made it here because a Messenger and a Bird helped you!"
Krulnor paused for a second. "That... that's true! HEY! Insults aren't supposed to be true, I thought that was like a rule or something!"
"I'm Very Annoying." Mungus replied. "I break the rules when it suits me. You've never had a wife cos you're afraid of commitment! Gnargh!"
Krulnor shrugged off the insult like Team NZ shrugging off the fact that they had just wasted a ton of taxpayer money losing a boat race. "Your name sounds lame! Ha!"
"You can't solve basic problems without help!"
"You smell bad!"
"You only killed Clive by fluke!"
"Your sister is ugly!"

It was clear Krulnor was losing badly... and Help was needed.
Happily, it arrived just in the nick of time!
Find out more in the next installment.

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