And One Less to Worry About
The race to the top of the mountain had never been more fierce. Although briefly delayed by a moment's medieval-idiot-skull-hammering, Desmond and the Goblin were making great speed up the slope. Krulnor, on the other hand, had chosen to lie down on a rocky face with his eyes closed, whilst breathing in a short, hurried fashion and bleeding from the skull and left ear. What an stupid strategy!
On another slope, Taylor, Randy, and the Hillbilly were all climbing as hard and as fast as they could with their various pieces of camping equipment to reach the top first.
Nobody in particular had discovered he was also acrophobic and had not been able to climb much more than a few metres without getting vertigo. He was currently sitting at the base of the mountain, enjoying a peach.
Trixie and Pam had managed to work out a fairly effective method of good old-fashioned 'boosting' whereby any time they reached a rock face too high for one of them to climb alone, the other turned their back to the rock, made a cup with their hands, and boosted the other up. Remarkably, this was working surprisingly well and they too were close to the summit.
Desmond and the Goblin charged over the final crest as their home-made climbing machine breathed an exhausted mechanical sigh. They had made it to the top!
However, across the other side of the mountain they saw... Taylor! And then... The Hillbilly! And also... Randy!
Seconds later Pam and Trixie boosted their way onto the flat mountain top.
"Crap!" Seven competitors cursed.
But not because they had all reached the top at once! (Though no doubt that too was frustrating in its own way.) For... the Roc's nest was completely empty!
Fourteen eyes all peered back down the mountain. At the bottom, sitting comfortably beside the fire, Dungay and nobody in particular were enjoying a second helping of what appeared to be a very tasty omelette.
"Sherpa!" Seven competitors almost-swore.
The teams turned and began trudging their way back down the mountain.
Moments later, all hell broke loose.
You see, Tibetan Sherpas are used to the delicate task of removing a Roc's only egg without the aforementioned Roc noticing, or minding in the slightest. It's how they get the egg for their tasty tasty cakes. And as we have already worked out, they are also very quick up and down mountains. So the Roc up until that point hadn't actually realised that its home was under threat at all. But having seven humans and a goblin suddenly turn up on its front lawn changed all that real quick.
The Roc swooped down and in one motion tore its beak and talons straight through Desmond and the Goblin's robo-bus. The two former drivers lept out and ran down the mountain as fast as their three legs could carry them. Well, Desmond hopped.
The Roc came back! And picked up Pam in its claws as she ran for safety. "Aaaah!" Pam squealed, in a damsel-in-distress-esque kind of way.
"We have to save her!" Trixie said in an obvious kind of way. Looking around her, most of the available help was running away as fast as it could. And the Roc had deposited Pam in its nest and was coming back again!
"Fear not Pam! I'll save you!" A pre-pubescent voice boomed. From nowhere (though really, from somewhere, because otherwise we are talking about some very intense magic) Taylor emerged with a sharpened stick and ran for the Roc's nest. However, the gigantic bird wasn't going to let Taylor have it that easy! Again and again the Roc dive bombed our young hero with swipes of its claws, bites from its beak, and poos from its.... poopy place.
But he made it!
"Aaaah!" Pam cried. "A man covered in strawberry ripple ice cream!"
"No, Pam, it's me Taylor." The man covered in strawberry ripple replied. "This is just my blood mixed with some bird poop. Now come on, I'm getting you out of here."
"Yay! Oh Taylor, you're so great!" Pam replied. "Although you're my friend's younger brother, in a few years, we're totally going to date!"
The strawberry ripple couldn't quite hide Taylor's blushing.
Picking up Pam one-handed, Taylor ran forward with his pointy stick raised high (though it's hard to know why, as it hadn't helped him that much on his way to the nest.) The Roc swooped and scraped, but Taylor prevailed! Once Pam and Taylor reached the safe cover of a copse of toothpick trees growing on the mountain slope, the bird gave up and returned to its now empty nest.
***
After a good shower and a few grateful kisses from Pam, Taylor returned to the Tribal Circle and the elimination process began. An Evans dressed as a keen mountaineer, complete with rucksack, beard, and overpriced Kathmandu clothing, took centre stage.
"Welcome back everyone, and well done all of you!"
The competitors smiled - except for Krulnor, whose jaw was broken.
"Now! Our clear winner of the Roc Egg round is none other than the Tibetan Sherpa, Dungay!" Polite applause broke out. "So, Dungay - over to you. Who is it you will be eliminating from the race at this point?"
Dungay stood to his feet and surveyed the other nine competitors. "Well, it's interesting you ask me that, Mr Evans. You see, Trixie has been telling me for some time now that I should eliminate nobody in particular. But, the thing is, when we were eating omelette together before, he told me some interesting things."
"Oh no..." Trixie groaned, burying her head in her hands. "I hope this isn't going where I think it is."
It was.
"Apparently," Dungay continued with a conspiratorial glint in his eye, "This competition is simply a way of subduing local populations through televised violence and forced entry. The government wants someone to win every year, guys! Well, I'm not standing for it! I say we all eat the poison berries!"
"Oh, God." Trixie muttered, as from his pocket Dungay pulled out a handful of ominous-looking black berries before handing one to each competitor. The mountain-Evans looked on, a smirk on his face.
"On the count of three, let's eat our way to a real victory!" Dungay cried. "Stick it to the man, everyone! Huzzah! One... Two... THREE!"
On three, all the competitors except Dungay and Pam quickly dropped their berries to the ground. Pam's were halfway to her mouth before Taylor slapped them into the grass.
"Hey! I was going to eat that and stick to the man!" Pam whined.
As for Dungay, sadly, there was no stopping him. He bit back his poison berry with glee,
then realised nobody else had done so,
then died.
(Don't worry. A week later he woke up in bed tasting marshmallows and remembering nothing, except a vague sense that he had gotten something horribly, terribly wrong. Business as usual, in other words.)
"Onto the next round!" The mountain Evans crowed.
Chapter Nine : : Chapter Eleven
On another slope, Taylor, Randy, and the Hillbilly were all climbing as hard and as fast as they could with their various pieces of camping equipment to reach the top first.
Nobody in particular had discovered he was also acrophobic and had not been able to climb much more than a few metres without getting vertigo. He was currently sitting at the base of the mountain, enjoying a peach.
Trixie and Pam had managed to work out a fairly effective method of good old-fashioned 'boosting' whereby any time they reached a rock face too high for one of them to climb alone, the other turned their back to the rock, made a cup with their hands, and boosted the other up. Remarkably, this was working surprisingly well and they too were close to the summit.
Desmond and the Goblin charged over the final crest as their home-made climbing machine breathed an exhausted mechanical sigh. They had made it to the top!
However, across the other side of the mountain they saw... Taylor! And then... The Hillbilly! And also... Randy!
Seconds later Pam and Trixie boosted their way onto the flat mountain top.
"Crap!" Seven competitors cursed.
But not because they had all reached the top at once! (Though no doubt that too was frustrating in its own way.) For... the Roc's nest was completely empty!
Fourteen eyes all peered back down the mountain. At the bottom, sitting comfortably beside the fire, Dungay and nobody in particular were enjoying a second helping of what appeared to be a very tasty omelette.
"Sherpa!" Seven competitors almost-swore.
The teams turned and began trudging their way back down the mountain.
Moments later, all hell broke loose.
You see, Tibetan Sherpas are used to the delicate task of removing a Roc's only egg without the aforementioned Roc noticing, or minding in the slightest. It's how they get the egg for their tasty tasty cakes. And as we have already worked out, they are also very quick up and down mountains. So the Roc up until that point hadn't actually realised that its home was under threat at all. But having seven humans and a goblin suddenly turn up on its front lawn changed all that real quick.
The Roc swooped down and in one motion tore its beak and talons straight through Desmond and the Goblin's robo-bus. The two former drivers lept out and ran down the mountain as fast as their three legs could carry them. Well, Desmond hopped.
The Roc came back! And picked up Pam in its claws as she ran for safety. "Aaaah!" Pam squealed, in a damsel-in-distress-esque kind of way.
"We have to save her!" Trixie said in an obvious kind of way. Looking around her, most of the available help was running away as fast as it could. And the Roc had deposited Pam in its nest and was coming back again!
"Fear not Pam! I'll save you!" A pre-pubescent voice boomed. From nowhere (though really, from somewhere, because otherwise we are talking about some very intense magic) Taylor emerged with a sharpened stick and ran for the Roc's nest. However, the gigantic bird wasn't going to let Taylor have it that easy! Again and again the Roc dive bombed our young hero with swipes of its claws, bites from its beak, and poos from its.... poopy place.
But he made it!
"Aaaah!" Pam cried. "A man covered in strawberry ripple ice cream!"
"No, Pam, it's me Taylor." The man covered in strawberry ripple replied. "This is just my blood mixed with some bird poop. Now come on, I'm getting you out of here."
"Yay! Oh Taylor, you're so great!" Pam replied. "Although you're my friend's younger brother, in a few years, we're totally going to date!"
The strawberry ripple couldn't quite hide Taylor's blushing.
Picking up Pam one-handed, Taylor ran forward with his pointy stick raised high (though it's hard to know why, as it hadn't helped him that much on his way to the nest.) The Roc swooped and scraped, but Taylor prevailed! Once Pam and Taylor reached the safe cover of a copse of toothpick trees growing on the mountain slope, the bird gave up and returned to its now empty nest.
***
After a good shower and a few grateful kisses from Pam, Taylor returned to the Tribal Circle and the elimination process began. An Evans dressed as a keen mountaineer, complete with rucksack, beard, and overpriced Kathmandu clothing, took centre stage.
"Welcome back everyone, and well done all of you!"
The competitors smiled - except for Krulnor, whose jaw was broken.
"Now! Our clear winner of the Roc Egg round is none other than the Tibetan Sherpa, Dungay!" Polite applause broke out. "So, Dungay - over to you. Who is it you will be eliminating from the race at this point?"
Dungay stood to his feet and surveyed the other nine competitors. "Well, it's interesting you ask me that, Mr Evans. You see, Trixie has been telling me for some time now that I should eliminate nobody in particular. But, the thing is, when we were eating omelette together before, he told me some interesting things."
"Oh no..." Trixie groaned, burying her head in her hands. "I hope this isn't going where I think it is."
It was.
"Apparently," Dungay continued with a conspiratorial glint in his eye, "This competition is simply a way of subduing local populations through televised violence and forced entry. The government wants someone to win every year, guys! Well, I'm not standing for it! I say we all eat the poison berries!"
"Oh, God." Trixie muttered, as from his pocket Dungay pulled out a handful of ominous-looking black berries before handing one to each competitor. The mountain-Evans looked on, a smirk on his face.
"On the count of three, let's eat our way to a real victory!" Dungay cried. "Stick it to the man, everyone! Huzzah! One... Two... THREE!"
On three, all the competitors except Dungay and Pam quickly dropped their berries to the ground. Pam's were halfway to her mouth before Taylor slapped them into the grass.
"Hey! I was going to eat that and stick to the man!" Pam whined.
As for Dungay, sadly, there was no stopping him. He bit back his poison berry with glee,
then realised nobody else had done so,
then died.
(Don't worry. A week later he woke up in bed tasting marshmallows and remembering nothing, except a vague sense that he had gotten something horribly, terribly wrong. Business as usual, in other words.)
"Onto the next round!" The mountain Evans crowed.
Chapter Nine : : Chapter Eleven
posted by Musings | 1:22 AM
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