Percy the Publican's Peculiar Provisoes

"So, you sell goblin pee?" I asked as both clarification and outburst of enthusiasm, my left cheek twitching ever so slightly with anticipation. It may have seemed like an obvious question, considering my new companion's previous statement, but knowing how these blognovels worked, I was slightly nervous that somehow I would have misunderstood the climax of the previous chapter, and however unlikely, it would emerge that my companion's name was Goblin P. Trader and he was offering to sell me some home-made money.
To my relief, the trader nodded, and indicated a large heavy-looking bucket situated near his feet, which I had somehow overlooked until this moment.
"Only the finest eau de gobline toilette" he stated, and if it had not been such a disturbing occupation, I could have sworn that he smiled with pride as he said this.
"How much?" I asked, eager to get the transaction completed, and return my hand to its un-glued former self.
"About 30 litres," the trader responded, adding "You won't believe how long it takes to gather that much product."
I paused to squirm internally, and then tried again.
"No, I mean, how much will it cost to buy some?"
"Depends," the trader said, "How much are you after?"
I indicated my hand, and asked "How much do I need to unglue this?"
Much as I had overlooked the bucket of pee at the trader's feet, he now noticed my hand, and seemed impressed. He grabbed my wrist and pulled the hand close to inspect it.
"Is this goblin snot?" he whispered.
I confirmed that it was indeed.
"How fresh would you say this is?"
I told him the approximate time that I had received my 'gift', and was alarmed to see the trader leap to his feet and dance a quick jig.
"No time to lose" he yelled, and leaped from the bus, forgetting to let go of my hand in his excitement, with the result that both of us struck our heads on the side of the cart and needed a moment to see straight again. Having recovered enough, he picked up his precious bucket of product, and instructed me to follow.

Not really understanding what was going on, but hesitant to lose my chance at hand-freedom, I followed him through Outflank's outskirts, and up to a small pub, creatively called "Pub" (like I said earlier, soldiers!). Inside, the trader greeted the barman, placed the bucket on the bar, and began debating urgently with him under his breath. I stood awkwardly in the doorway and tried to look inconspicuous - a hard thing to do when your hand is glued with goblin snot, a red stain on your pocket indicates there is an eye of troll in it, your hair is charred off thanks to a house explosion, and you are wearing home-made wizard robes with Hello Kitty faces adorning it (what, it was the cheapest wizard-esque robe material I could find, and I wasn't made of money, at least not since I reversed the 'Makes the Caster Rich' potion).
Eventually the discussions between publican and pee-lican were complete, and the trader beckoned for me to approach.
"Ok, heres the deal," he said, sliding a hot coffee over to me, which I thought was nice of him, and continuing to talk as I drank, "Percy here wants to buy that goblin snot, and he will pay handsomely for it. I, of course, will get 73% finders fee, which is completely appropriate as I am doing myself out of a sale by bringing you here. Clear enough?"
I nodded in agreement, happy to receive anything when I had anticipated having to pay just moments earlier, and took another sip of coffee. It tasted a bit funny, but it was free so I didn't say anything. The publican was probably more used to pouring beers anyway.
"Of course," the trader added, taking a quick breath before continuing, "It will mean we have to remove the snot undamaged, and the only way to do that is to cut off your arm. Hope you don't mind."
I tried to say that I minded a great deal, but the coffee was making me feel very sleepy, and I could only manage "Uuhhhh..." before I was snoring on the bar.
Must have been decaf I guess.

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