Of Clandestine Charabancs
Our hero, chained as he was to the wall of the Kittens' Cage, spent most of this chapter periodically tensing his biceps in a vainglorious attempt to test the strength of the aforementioned Cage's bars and shouting out a plethora of threats such as "I'll turn you Kittens into Jellymeat" and "You guys are just a bunch of pussies!". Therefore, henceforth, and forthwith, this chapter shall focus primarily on the adventures of the remainder of this blognovel's characters; prinicipally, the Kittens, their adversaries, and A Naked, Anorexic, Furious and Violent Messenger. But more on him shortly.
"Aha!" Cried chief Kitten Bob. "If the Minotaur jerky in that food sack is not for me, then who could it be for?"
The rest of the Kittens had a quick conference amongst themselves in an effort to answer Bob's confounding rhetorical question. "Ah... Krulnor?" A brave Kitten offered. That brave Kitten later died; when I say later, I mean straight after he said that, and when I say died, I mean was pummelled to death by a cricket bat attached to Bob's hand in a firm grasp.
The rest of the Kittens reconvened and reinterpreted the rhetorical intention of chief Kitten Bob; thus the Minotaur jerky was handed to their fearless leader and the remainder of the litter of Kittens feasted on what was left in the sack; indeed, there was abundant provision within and they all supped until they were so full they felt they might just burst, and 12 baskets of leftovers were collected by the disciples.
While the feasting was going on amongst the litter and their fierce leader, two shadows darkened the horizon East of their location; one shadow was smaller and skinnier than the other, because of course that was the shadow of ANAFaVM, for he was hungry and he wanted some jerky; the larger of the two shadows belonged to a swiftly approaching Chinese Junk, loaded with the members of the dangerous and greatly feared Ninja Pirate Gang, the Sweet Cuddly Baby Guinea Pigs. However, the hapless Kittens were so full from their meal that, much like the hapless Shechemites in Genesis 34, they were powerless to resist any advancing attackers and were quickly overcome. By ANAFaVM, that is; and indeed, he was only armed with a toothpick. Not caring much for Krulnor or Kittens, our friend the Messenger disarmed the obese and sleepy brood, and threw them in Krulnor's cell, which quickly got quite crowded and several disputes broke out over whose section of the cell was whose, and several noses were broken in the fracas that ensued; none of this, of course, was noticed by A Now Satiated and Happy Messenger, for he was busy stuffing his face with Minotaur Jerky and other such sweetmeats; in fact, he was so busy eating that when the Sweet Cuddly Baby Guinea Pigs left their junk floating in the ocean and boarded the Kittens' schooner, he was not even aware of their presence, much like Saul in 1 Samuel 26.
"Aha!" Cried the Sweet Cuddly Baby Guinea Pigs' leader, a terrifying man named Leonard, "We have succesfully ditched our junk and boarded this fine vessel! How's everybody feeling? Everyone doing ok? Nobody anxious or feeling under threat?" (Before Leonard was a ruthless, bloodthirsty Gang Leader he had spent several years as a workplace psychotherapist in a very busy medieval corporate setting.)
The pigs grunted their approval, for indeed they were rather fond of Leonard and the way he succesfully arbitrated disputes, resolved interpersonal differences in the group, and made a wizard lemon pie, and indeed it really was wizard, if you know what I mean. At this stage in the story only Krulnor noticed their arrival onboard, as indeed he was the only pre-existing boat occupant not currently involved in either mass gorging or a gangfight.
"Leonard!"
"Krulnor!"
The two former friends quickly reunited, shared battle stories, updated their FaceScroll statuses, and exchanged manly hugs (2 seconds max or there's something not right).
"What are you doing here Leonard?"
"Well, I've abandoned my junk and I was kinda hoping to take over this ship and sell all the prisoners on board at the nearest slave fair."
"Ooh, you should definitely do that, imagine how much these guys would be worth!"
"Yeah, and I'd get at least double for you Krulnor."
"Hang on, don't sell me old buddy!"
"No, I think I will, Krulnor. I need the money; buying cheap Chinese junk has its downsides, I think I'll upgrade to someting pre-New Zealand made, and you would certainly give me some spending power."
"Dangit! Your logic is impeccable! Dang that Chinese junk!"
And thus Leonard took control of the schooner and sailed it East; the Pigs tied An Extremely Full And Unnecessarily Belchy Messenger to the mast; the Kittens nursed their black eyes in silence; and Krulnor contined to flex and yell intermittently, though not to much avail.
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"Aha!" Cried chief Kitten Bob. "If the Minotaur jerky in that food sack is not for me, then who could it be for?"
The rest of the Kittens had a quick conference amongst themselves in an effort to answer Bob's confounding rhetorical question. "Ah... Krulnor?" A brave Kitten offered. That brave Kitten later died; when I say later, I mean straight after he said that, and when I say died, I mean was pummelled to death by a cricket bat attached to Bob's hand in a firm grasp.
The rest of the Kittens reconvened and reinterpreted the rhetorical intention of chief Kitten Bob; thus the Minotaur jerky was handed to their fearless leader and the remainder of the litter of Kittens feasted on what was left in the sack; indeed, there was abundant provision within and they all supped until they were so full they felt they might just burst, and 12 baskets of leftovers were collected by the disciples.
While the feasting was going on amongst the litter and their fierce leader, two shadows darkened the horizon East of their location; one shadow was smaller and skinnier than the other, because of course that was the shadow of ANAFaVM, for he was hungry and he wanted some jerky; the larger of the two shadows belonged to a swiftly approaching Chinese Junk, loaded with the members of the dangerous and greatly feared Ninja Pirate Gang, the Sweet Cuddly Baby Guinea Pigs. However, the hapless Kittens were so full from their meal that, much like the hapless Shechemites in Genesis 34, they were powerless to resist any advancing attackers and were quickly overcome. By ANAFaVM, that is; and indeed, he was only armed with a toothpick. Not caring much for Krulnor or Kittens, our friend the Messenger disarmed the obese and sleepy brood, and threw them in Krulnor's cell, which quickly got quite crowded and several disputes broke out over whose section of the cell was whose, and several noses were broken in the fracas that ensued; none of this, of course, was noticed by A Now Satiated and Happy Messenger, for he was busy stuffing his face with Minotaur Jerky and other such sweetmeats; in fact, he was so busy eating that when the Sweet Cuddly Baby Guinea Pigs left their junk floating in the ocean and boarded the Kittens' schooner, he was not even aware of their presence, much like Saul in 1 Samuel 26.
"Aha!" Cried the Sweet Cuddly Baby Guinea Pigs' leader, a terrifying man named Leonard, "We have succesfully ditched our junk and boarded this fine vessel! How's everybody feeling? Everyone doing ok? Nobody anxious or feeling under threat?" (Before Leonard was a ruthless, bloodthirsty Gang Leader he had spent several years as a workplace psychotherapist in a very busy medieval corporate setting.)
The pigs grunted their approval, for indeed they were rather fond of Leonard and the way he succesfully arbitrated disputes, resolved interpersonal differences in the group, and made a wizard lemon pie, and indeed it really was wizard, if you know what I mean. At this stage in the story only Krulnor noticed their arrival onboard, as indeed he was the only pre-existing boat occupant not currently involved in either mass gorging or a gangfight.
"Leonard!"
"Krulnor!"
The two former friends quickly reunited, shared battle stories, updated their FaceScroll statuses, and exchanged manly hugs (2 seconds max or there's something not right).
"What are you doing here Leonard?"
"Well, I've abandoned my junk and I was kinda hoping to take over this ship and sell all the prisoners on board at the nearest slave fair."
"Ooh, you should definitely do that, imagine how much these guys would be worth!"
"Yeah, and I'd get at least double for you Krulnor."
"Hang on, don't sell me old buddy!"
"No, I think I will, Krulnor. I need the money; buying cheap Chinese junk has its downsides, I think I'll upgrade to someting pre-New Zealand made, and you would certainly give me some spending power."
"Dangit! Your logic is impeccable! Dang that Chinese junk!"
And thus Leonard took control of the schooner and sailed it East; the Pigs tied An Extremely Full And Unnecessarily Belchy Messenger to the mast; the Kittens nursed their black eyes in silence; and Krulnor contined to flex and yell intermittently, though not to much avail.
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posted by Musings | 6:50 PM
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